I Deserve So Much Love

A letter to the man that forced himself on me: 

 Recently, it has started hitting me what you did that night. 

The night I really thought you liked me. The night you pushed me onto your bed and got on top of me even though I kept saying “no” and “please stop.” You continued to kiss me and hold me down and touch my chest even when I was begging you to please stop.

You took away all my power in that moment and made me feel like I was nothing and nobody. Like I wasn’t worth respecting. 

I had experienced different forms of sexual abuse before this incident and your actions brought that flooding back to me. 

I am still appalled that my friends did nothing to you, not even a cross word, but that is besides the point. 

I feel outrageously ashamed and stupid for going back to you.

You see, I had to pretend that everything was fine. My brain couldn’t handle the pain of what you did. When women make a big deal out of things, we are labeled crazy. 

I went back to you because I wanted to pretend it didn’t happen. I wanted everything to be okay and so I repressed it. Understand this — the only reason I spent another second with you was nothing short of a defense mechanism. 

I felt upset for a few days afterward but quickly minimized what happened. My brain could not allow my body to fully feel the impact of what you did. I am feeling it now and I want to crawl out of my skin every second of every day. Feelings of shame, embarrassment, fear, anger, intense hurt, confusion. I wish more than anything that I had called 911 that night instead of internalizing this, which has led to a serious bout of depression. 

Those 10 minutes in your room play over and over in my head and I don’t know how to stop it. 

Nobody around me made a big deal of the event, and so I thought I shouldn’t either. 

I thought I wanted your affection so badly, and now I know I was just trying to win my power back. In some messed up way, if I could get you to like me, I would be in control again. 

I now know you are not and NEVER were worthy of my attention or affection. You are an extremely arrogant and cruel shell of a human being, and even your “friends” agree with me on that. You used me and acted like my feelings didn’t matter. When you were done with me, you threw me out like last week’s garbage without so much as a kind word or a second thought. 

It kills me to know that you hang out with so many women who probably have zero idea what you are capable of. I also know, statistically, that you will most likely try to force yourself on another woman, if you haven’t already, and this makes me furious beyond belief. 

I am almost always a loving person, but I am filled with hate towards you. 

I know that you do not feel remorse for what you did; it is evident in how you treated me in the weeks following the event. You blamed your actions on the fact that you were drunk. I’ve seen you go out and get plastered many times since it happened, so clearly it’s not something you take seriously.

I refuse to stay silent about this any longer. 

What would you do if someone did this to your mom? Friend? daughter? If some man treated her the way you treated me? I matter just as much as any other woman. I deserve so much love. 

It is not okay to treat people the way you treated me. And there will be consequences for it.