Trapped In A Box

i was trapped in a box; i could only get so far away from him, since he was family.

he told me it was natural, that i should be thankful he was teaching me “the ways of adults.” 

he threatened to hurt my family if i said a word. 

i was drowning in shame and self-doubt.

i was still a child.

because of that, i had to grow up quite quickly. i became closed off; adults around me called my emotional isolation “maturity.” 

years later and the abuse continued. i had never felt so low. 

i ran away from myself and what i was experiencing in order to avoid the pain i was enduring.

i wanted to be thousands of miles away, my existence felt so pointless and pitiful. 

yet i was “mature,” but i felt so childish. i didn’t experience a true childhood, i experienced shut doors, hushed words, and camera flashes. 

eventually, he stopped after seeing the damage he caused. at that point, i was going to therapy after my parents discovered my mental instabilities. they didn’t know what was actually happening; instead they blamed themselves, which hurt almost as much as the trauma i experienced. 

i only went to therapy two or three times. my parents and i then became “too busy,” and my mental health was pushed aside. 

now, after many years, i’m trying to put my mental health first. i am still the closed-off, “mature” child i was, yet, i’m trying to become someone better, someone not trapped in a box.